Sometimes we just don’t get it…even though it’s obvious. How many of us, after all these years, upon reading the ‘wet paint’ sign, still have to touch it to see if it really is? Now, if every person in our lives (above the age of 18) wore a big shiny button that said ‘you cannot control my thoughts and actions’, how many of us would still try to do it anyway, just to see if we could? Mmm? My guess is most of us would, at some time or other.
I say this because we all know that if a person is going to change, it has to be because they want to change. There is a big difference between setting boundaries and trying to change others. Setting boundaries is important, but we set boundaries for ourselves, not for others.
For example, a parent might tell a child that she will drive him to school if he is ready to go on time but will not make herself late because he is slow. A wife might tell her husband that she is not willing to continue the marriage if he will not address his drinking problem. A teacher might tell the class that a late assignment gets a grade of zero.
In these instances the individual recognizes she has no control over the behavior of the other, but does have control over her responses to the behavior. In the face of clear boundaries, a person might feel controlled. However, the point is they are free to continue their behavior, be it sleeping in, drinking or failing to hand in assignments, but there will be consequences. We cannot control them, but we do not have to accept the behavior.
It is a subtle, but very important distinction. Understanding we cannot control others does not mean turning into a doormat. Ironically, some only learn when they run smack into a boundary. Speeding tickets are a deterrent. Having a spouse leave because of one’s gambling is a wake-up call and a turning point.
Interestingly, sometimes a person will try to control the one who is setting the boundary through guilt, manipulation, anger or withdrawal of affection. That is when things start to get really crazy. If we can keep our focus on what it is we need, and what we are willing or unwilling to put up with, rather than telling another what they should be or how they should act, communication remains healthier.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for inspiration.
