Part of growing up is realising we cannot change others

Love heals all things. This is one of those guiding principles that works…. most of the time. If it were just that simple! If the world was that simple, then we certainly would not need philosophers and there would be a lot less poetry. No doubt we have been given all the pieces of the puzzle of life, it’s just that there are an infinite number of ways to put them together.

Take, for example, the woman who meets her prince. Well, he’s not exactly a prince, but through the eyes of love he comes pretty close. She sees not only who he is, but all that he could be. Now, under her guiding influence, let the transformation begin. She does it gently at first, but as time goes on, she digs in a little harder. She may see things in her prince that she does not like. When she tries to discuss them, she might find that he responds defensively or with anger, or he might agree with her and vow to change. Because she loves him so much, she wants to stay with him. But if there are things she cannot live with, the only option she sees is to continue to ‘work’ on him.

If the situation involves two people who are open, honest, fair, and dedicated to growing together, then the process can have its rewards. It would not, we should think, be a one-sided process. The problem begins when she wants him to change, and despite what he might verbalize, deep down he really does not want to. Or perhaps he cannot. If she really wants this man in her life, then she feels that the more that she loves him, the more he will want to change. She invests a lot of herself, and when change does not come, she feels that she cannot quit her efforts because she has already put so much of herself into the relationship. Things do not flow easily anymore, and life has become a struggle.

When a relationship reaches this point, it is time for the couple to wake up. If they do not, they continue this painful dance, drifting farther and farther apart. Waking up involves looking honestly at what they are doing. It means bringing the issues out into the open. Each person has to be honest with self about what he or she needs, and about the bottom lines. If the bottom line is no addictions, no dishonesty, or no put-downs, and if the partner has a problem complying, then his or her dysfunctions are stronger than the love. If one wants deeper communication, more intimacy, less conflict, and the other is not willing to look at these issues, then a relationship in the truest sense does not even exist.

Part of growing up is realizing that we cannot change others. It is also knowing that we are responsible for our own happiness and wellbeing. Sometimes it is not so much the other who needs to understand and respect our needs and boundaries, as it is our own selves. The more we know of these before getting into a relationship, the better. Then we will not need to create princes (or princesses), only to turn them into frogs.

Gwen Randall-Young

Psychology for Healthy Living

Psychology for living: let others speak for them

Gwen Randall-Young

Psychology for living

There is a practice that has the power to sabotage communication and relationships. We all do it or have done it. It is so prevalent in the way we think about others that we are scarcely aware we are violating others when we do it. It is like a computer virus that has the potential to disable all of our programs.

 What could it be? It is when we make assumptions about what others are thinking. How often sentences begin with, “you think”, “she thinks”, “they think”, or even, “everyone thinks”. It is not an assumption when you report directly and accurately what another has said. Telling someone your preschooler thinks there are monsters under the bed may be a statement of fact, if that is what she told you. However, to say that your teenager thinks everyone should pick up after him, because he never puts anything away, is an assumption, unless he actually made that statement.

 Statements such as, “You think you can just walk all over me”, “You think the world revolves around you”, or “You just don’t care”, are actually very invasive, hostile and judgmental. It is hard for the recipient of such messages to respond in any reasonable way. Denial of the allegation generally invites further judgments, as the speaker tries to prove his or her assumption is accurate. Saying, for example, that he does care, may cause the speaker to cite a litany of examples “proving” that he does not. Unable to respond reasonably, the one attached may resort to tossing out a few assumptions of his own, reacting angrily, or simply walking away. Of course this “proves” to the initiator that she was right all along.

 Right? Wrong! This is what we call crazy-making. It distorts the communication process and takes on a life of its own. We must let others speak for themselves. We honor them when we take the time to ask what their thoughts and feelings are. We must accept what they say as their truth. There is simply no point in arguing with someone about what they think, because we cannot get into their heads. If there is any doubt in your mind about how this affects others, just try to remember a time when someone either told you what you thought, or otherwise insisted he knew more about what is in your head than you do. It is to communication what a red flag is to a bull.

Do you have an inner critic?

Do you have an inner critic that works overtime? An inner critic is that little voice in your head that tells you that you have not accomplished enough, are not good enough, and will never be all that you want to be.

It may tell you that you are too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too poor, too materialistic, and the list goes on. An inner critic can be like a radio or television left on that is always going in the background. Sometimes this critical voice has been there for so long, that you have come to believe its negative propaganda.

As we reach adulthood, the inner critic can grow into the saboteur. Not only are we down on ourselves, but we have such little belief in ourselves that we will not even try the things that might give us a better sense of ourselves. Trying to move forward with an inner critic in the background is like trying to run in quicksand. Not only does one not get anywhere, but we find ourselves being mired deeper and deeper in our own negative view of ourselves.

Ironically, the critic can be just as dominant in highly successful people as in those who have achieved little success. Clearly, it does not have much to do with reality. Many highly successful individuals suffer from the “impostor syndrome”. Despite having proven themselves many times over, they fear that one day everyone will see that they really know nothing. They may not maximize their potential, for fear that the next upward step will reveal to all the world that they have been “faking” it all along.

Clearly, that critical inner voice can wreak havoc with our lives, both personally and in our work life. If it continues to spin out of control, an individual may begin to suffer from depression and/or anxiety.

What can we do about this? Think of the critical voice as an old program that is running, and that no longer serves you. With a computer, if you want to stop a program from running, you can disable it. This is what we have to do in our own minds. It is not quite as easy as with a computer, but it can be done. We must first maintain an awareness of when the critical voice is speaking, and then refuse to listen. Imagine just turning it off. Each time it starts, turn it off. In time, you will find it becomes weaker.

At the same time, you can begin to empower a positive voice. Give yourself encouraging messages. Be an enthusiastic coach to yourself. After years of emotional battering, your spirit will welcome the change.

Our attitude towards aging

Remember when you thought 30 was old? If you still do, you’re under 20 no doubt. Funny how, as the years pass, the portion of life we think of as middle age slides slowly upwards. Remember when we thought the phrase “Life begins at 40” was a way that older people consoled themselves – and then maybe you discovered that it really does begin then? 

How do we cope with the realization, when it fi­nally hits, that life is an irreversible process, and one that keeps moving on? Well, this can be scary for some. There are fears about loss of physical health and strength, intellec­tual capabilities, and change in physical appearance. 

Certainly aging affects us all, but how it affects us is determined, to a large extent, by our attitude to­wards it. If we think of all the changes as losses, then aging can become an extended grieving process with little to look forward to. If, instead, we see our lives as becoming richer with each passing year, then we can carry a sense of contentment in our hearts. But what if there are stresses and difficulties that cause us pain? How can we see life as full and rich? 

What comes to mind is the young child who can­not eat any more dinner but still has room for dessert. This is deftly explained by the fact that “the dinner part is full, but the dessert part is empty.” Maybe at times when we feel that our lives may be lacking something we need and to think of life as having lots of little compartments. Perhaps the pain parts are pretty full, however, there may also be a part that is full of joy about grandchildren. Maybe the health part is low but there is a full, loving rela­tionship. 

You can create as many compartments as you like, and see which ones you want to attend to. Per­haps it is more time with friends or pursuing a new interest. Maybe it is more reading or exercise, or spending more time enjoying life with an intimate partner. It might even be repairing estranged rela­tionships. 

Certainly, as years go by, one comes to appreciate the value of life and how swiftly time passes. And the sooner we realize that we create the quality of our lives, the sooner the quality is enhanced. We all know individuals in their forties, fifties and even eighties who seem virtually unaffected by ag­ing. They have the same enthusiasm and excite­ment about life as always. These people know the secret of life. So do young children. It is that life only happens in the present.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for inspiration. 

Understanding and Overcoming Procrastination

By Gwen Randall-Young – Psychology for living

Do you procrastinate? Interestingly, it may seem like we procrastinate when we really do not want to undertake a particular task. Actually, this is not exactly true. If we truly, absolutely did not want to do something, we likely would not do it at all, nor would we worry about it!

Procrastination occurs when there is something we feel should be done, or that a part of us really wants to do, but another part is resisting. Perhaps there is an important project at work. You want to get it done because you want to keep your job. Another part may be resisting because it is afraid you cannot do the project well enough.

You may want to take the children shopping for school clothes, but another part may resist because it knows what that will do to the family budget. You may be very attracted to someone and want to ask for a date, while another part may resist out of fear of rejection.

Procrastination creates anxiety, as the two opposing parts stage an emotional tug-of-war. The best way to reduce this anxiety is to make a plan to take some action. If you know that you ultimately must complete the task, or want to ask someone out or take a course, then see what it feels like to make a plan. If you plan to spend a few hours on the project tomorrow, set a time to go shopping, make that phone call, or send for a course catalogue, you will likely experience a lightening in your energy. This is because when you procrastinate, you are blocking energy. Something is wanting or needing to happen, and it’s like you are standing against an overstuffed closet door to keep it closed, when pressure from inside is pushing it open.

Once you let some of that energy move, you do not have to keep holding it back. Imagine the energy tied up when we procrastinate in several areas of life. I have developed a habit which works quite well for me. As soon as I suspect I may be procrastinating about something, I make it a top priority. If I can, I will take action immediately. This always feels so good, and since I feel like I’m on a roll, I may tackle two or three other things while I’m at it. Then I can do the things I truly want – and enjoy them- without the lingering feeling I should be doing something else.

Try this the next time you hear yourself telling someone what you should be doing. If you should be doing it, then do it! It will feel so much better than talking about it. Trust me. Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for inspiration.

Prepare Children Early About Family Boundaries

Gwen Randall-Young – Psychology for living

If you have a child just going into junior or senior high school, you may have some concerns about the effects of peer pressure. There is no question that children begin, as they grow older, to identify with their peers, and that can become a stronger influence than family. However, not all peer pressure is negative.

Feeling as though you are part of a group creates a greater sense of security and confidence, especially when you go into a larger school, where there are many people that you don’t know. Most parents accept that their children might want to dress differently than before and may no longer want to share every detail of their lives.

What they fear, though, is that their children may be influenced to use alcohol or drugs, to skip classes or otherwise violate the rules of home, school or society. This is a realistic fear given the climate in which we are living, and the freedom that some young people seem to have in their lives. It becomes very important then, to communicate early on with your children, about the boundaries that exist in your family.

Long before they are going out in the evening with friends, you can begin to talk about what it will be like when they are teenagers. Begin to prepare them for the fact that they will want a little more freedom, and you realize that over the years that is something that you will be willing to work out with them. But if you are not prepared to allow them to go out on school nights, let them know early on that this is a non-negotiable item. If you are not comfortable with dating before the age of, say, sixteen, let them know that when they are twelve. It’s a lot easier to accept and get used to rules when they don’t yet apply to you, than it is to assume certain freedoms, and to be shocked by your parent’s “unreasonableness”. 

Talk about how you would feel, and what you would do if your child began to exhibit unacceptable behavior. Let them know this ahead of time, so that they can take the consequences into account when they are contemplating their actions. It’s really all right to say that you will not support them in getting a learner’s permit if other aspects of their behavior are irresponsible. 

Growing up is a two-way street, a delicate balance between freedom and responsibility. The important thing is to discuss these issues with your teens in an open and respectful way, rather than laying out the rules as dictates. If you can co-create an agreement with them, they are much more likely to abide by it. Let them know too, that as they demonstrate responsibility, you will grow to trust them, and to gradually grant more freedom. This way they have something to work towards, and can learn to work with the system to fulfill their needs. Then there’s no need to drop out, and they can have the best of both worlds: theirs and ours.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Strong Emotional Reactions

Sometimes we respond to situations in ways that others consider overreactive. We may have very strong feelings that we need to express, only to feel hurt and negated when someone says it’s no big deal or tells us to chill out. If a reaction is indeed out of proportion to the situation, it means that something else is bothering us, or that old emotions are being triggered.

If a woman gets angry at her partner and accuses him of being controlling, it may be that she was controlled by her Father (or Mother) and she’s had enough. As a child she could do nothing about it, but as an adult she will not put up with it. A man may feel that his partner is never satisfied. No matter what he does, it is just not good enough. This may upset him deeply if he spent his childhood trying to be “good enough” for his parents, but never succeeded. If one feels that his or her partner has little time to give to the relationship, this may trigger feelings of neglect and abandonment from earlier years. If one was constantly criticized by parents or siblings, there may be difficulty hearing honest feedback from friends or employers.

While we should not have to take the brunt of someone’s unresolved feelings, we can try to bring some compassion to the situation. No one can change the past, but simply feeling understood and supported can go a long way towards healing it. Really listening to the reasons why someone is so upset can allow them to release old hurt. In order to do this, we have to set our egos aside temporarily.

Generally, showing that we care will defuse another’s hurt or anger. Validating their feelings makes things even better. Then you are both in a more positive position to discuss the contentious issue. Mocking someone, and accusing them of being just like their parent, or of acting out childhood issues is one of the worst things you can do. That would be like abruptly awakening a sleepwalker. If the person is not conscious of the connection with deeper emotional issues, such comments could escalate their emotional reaction dramatically.

In close relationships, you have the power to profoundly assist in healing, but also the power to hurt the individual even more. That is why it is so important to be aware of our own unhealed parts, and those of others. Some will take the stance that they have dealt with their past, and it is no longer an issue in the current relationship. Unfortunately, past hurt is like radioactive waste, and does tend to seep up into our lives no matter how well we think we have stowed it. It also tends to operate through the unconscious parts of our being, and so we may truly be unaware that it is still affecting us.

Strong emotional reactions to current life situations are often a clue that there is something coming to the surface so it can be healed. It’s best to tend to that healing before it contaminates our present, and leaks into our future. Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Suffering in Silence

Do you suffer in silence? Many people do, I am always saddened when I hear that someone has been dealing with a problem and felt that there was no one they could talk to. This happens more often than you might expect.

There are several reasons for this, it might be that there is no one who we feel comfortably close to when it comes to sharing our fears and difficulties. Sometimes there is the feeling that we don’t want to burden others with our problems. If we could get past these two barriers, there is still the tendency, in our society, to project that all is well, even if it’s not. We do such a good job of this, that when someone is struggling in some aspect of their lives, they feel as though they are the only one with this problem.

We become alienated from ourselves if we are feeling angry, hurt, or depressed inside, while projecting the opposite feelings to those around us. Feelings remain blocked or suppressed inside, and this energy must come out in some way. It may manifest as anger or hostility towards others (taking it out on the children, partner, or co-workers) or as health problems (headaches, ulcers, stress, and tension).

Talking it out can be very healing, but it is important to do this with the right person. It must be someone whom you can trust to keep what you share confidential It’s best if the person is a good listener who withholds judgement and advice giving. Often as we talk through our difficulties, we find that our own solutions emerge spontaneously.

If you have friends or family members to whom you feel close, but have never really shared deeply, you may find that if you do, the relationship becomes even closer. Chances are that this person will open up in response to your sharing. You may find that you are both relieved to have someone you can really talk to. The floodgates may open, with things coming out that you have held inside for years.

If you share with the intention to understand more deeply, and to create positive outcomes in your life, this kind of sharing can be tremendously healing. If the sharing becomes simply dumping on others who are not present, then you are in a negative process which will ultimately only make things worse.

We all have the ability to support others in positive ways. Right now just about everyone has some struggle in their lives. Perhaps if we stop hiding our pain, we could really be there for each other. Ultimately, that’s what life is all about anyway, so we might as well get on with it.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Emotional Blackmail

Many people are victims of emotional blackmail and do not even realize it. Emotional blackmail is when others try to hold us responsible for how they will feel if we do not do what they want. “Sure, go out with your friends and leave me here all alone with nothing to do.” “You want to go back to work and become one of those career women who doesn’t care about her husband or children anymore?” “If you really love me, you’ll know what to do.”

People who use emotional blackmail are those who wish to control others to ensure their own happiness. People who are susceptible to this blackmail are those who care about others, and do not want to appear selfish or thoughtless. They are also individuals who are sensitive to criticism. They end up very stressed and anxious because of the ongoing internal battle between what they want for themselves, and what others want of them. Unfortunately, the emotional blackmailers have attached themselves in a codependent way to their victim. They have unmet needs that they expect their victim to fill. Perhaps they need to feel important: the center of someone’s universe. Maybe their self-image is tied up in another’s response to them.

If one’s image of a good mother demands that her children honor her in a certain fashion on Mother’s Day, she may lay a guilt trip if they only send a card. If a man’s image of a good husband and provider means that his wife will be content in a supporting role rather than pursuing her own interests, he may use a variety of tactics to make her feel bad when she starts developing outside interests. If a girlfriend’s insecurity demands that her boyfriend only have interest in her, she may feel threatened when he wants to spend time with friends. A mother who believes her worth is measured by how much her daughter confides in her, will act hurt and abandoned when the daughter stops telling her everything.

Emotional blackmailers need to learn to stop controlling others through guilt, and to accept them as they are. They need to realize that no one is obliged to fill their emotional needs. Those who are victims need to begin setting boundaries, explaining that they must live their own lives free of the constant evaluation by another. They will show their love, support, or friendship in their own ways, not according to the rules of another. Trying to set clear boundaries with an emotional blackmailer is challenging, for they will up the ransom. However, once they realize that the blackmail will not work, they may voluntarily surrender to a healthier way of relating.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Happiness

The greatest source of unhappiness is the gap between what we have, and what we wish we had. When there is no gap, we are content. We feel a sense of abundance because we have all we need. Recognizing this, the search for happiness may involve a never-ending process of attempting to fulfil needs.

The problem is, there is no end to the needs that may be identified by the mind. We need more money, more things, more love, more peace, more time. We need more respect, more self-esteem, and more confidence. That list is endless.

Then, we can go on with a list of what we need others to have or be. So in order to be happy, our partner must be more dedicated, more attentive, more passionate for example, or our children must be more responsible, have higher marks, clearer goals, better friends and a different attitude. Our friends should be there for us more/ give us our space, talk about others to us, but not about us to others, and should be more/less spiritual.

Then there are the people in the neighborhood who should be more friendly, less nosy, mow the lawn more (except not on Sunday morning), lend their tools or return your tools more readily.

Don’t forget the merchants with whom you do business. They should have more efficient service, lower prices, more selection and stay open longer (or stay closed on Sunday).

What about the government? Certainly we would all be happier if we had lower taxes, more services, more growth, less inflation, and fewer politics.

But then there is still the weather. If we had longer summers, milder winters, no rain on long weekends, and just enough snow for skiing and white Christmas but not for bad driving and shoveling, then it would be good.

It is easy to see how working on being happy could be a full time job!

There is an easier way. A wise Buddhist teacher once said something like this: the smaller the vessel of your needs, the more easily you experience abundance. We do not have to make our happiness dependent upon anything. If we are grateful for each new day, we will be happy every day we are alive. If we tend the inner garden of our own awareness, and weed out the negative thoughts, and the conditions we place upon our ability to be happy, then we find peace.

If we ceased to exist tomorrow, how many of our concerns would really matter? One day we will not exist. What will happen to our ‘problems’ then? If they won’t matter then, they probably do not matter that much now either. What does matter is that each day is a gift. It is given like a gift certificate, which we may spend however we choose. It is, however, only valid for this day. Spend it wisely, spend it well. Use it for some joy.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Precious Time

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I was talking with a client recently, about the changes that accompany the birth of a couple’s first child. I recognized that he, like so many of us, would try to maintain all of what he was doing “before baby”, as well as adding the demands of being a good father. I could sense the huge responsibility he felt.

The general expectation in our culture seems to demand that one have a good job to which he or she is highly dedicated, to make a good income, and also be putting away money for the future. Of course, by the time we are in our thirty’s there should be the nice home and vehicles as well.

Current thinking now is often that our relationship is not to be taken for granted, so we must have quality time with each other. It is also never too early to be looking at activities for the little one. You can start them in swimming lessons as soon as they are born, you know. Just writing this makes me feel stressed, never mind living it! Is it any wonder that children and adults are more stressed than ever before?

As my client and I were discussing these very things, I said, “Well, there’s not an unlimited supply of life, you know.” His eyes widened as he allowed the impact of these words to sink in. We each have one life here. We do not know how long it will be. He then told me that he had an image of a container full of little stones. Each day of life, you take one stone out of the container. You cannot ever put it back. You do not know how many stones are in there. If you only had $1000 to your name, each dollar would have greater value to you than if you had millions. How would you live your life differently, if at twenty, you knew you only had twenty years more, instead of seventy? Why do we race through life, knowing what is at the finish line?

It is September again. This is a time when many families have signed up for activities. What seems to happen is that these activities take priority, and then life gets squeezed in around them. It might be a thought to first block out some regular time each week for relaxing and just being with each other: some time for hanging out and letting things evolve spontaneously. Some of my most special conversations with my children came when we were just sitting together, doing nothing.

My son, the oldest, never talks about the hockey practices, piano lessons or the other classes I so carefully planned. What he does remember are things like the time we sat on the deck talking until midnight on the longest day of the year. He remembers our silly times, and the occasions that we laughed so hard that our stomachs ached. He also remembers that whenever anyone was sad, they would become immediate recipients of the “group hug.” These are the things that stand out in his mind, forming a heartfelt blueprint for what he has now created with his own family. This makes me prouder than any trophies or certificates he received.

Yes, there is a place for lessons, skill development and accomplishments. However, that place should never be ahead of the loving connections that come from a life lived consciously. We must maintain a degree of reverence around those with whom we are sharing the miracle of life. After all, we do not know how many stones are left in their containers either.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Lying behavior is learned, and we need to acknowledge it

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“A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future.”

~ Author Unknown

A parent asked me if I would talk about lying behavior. A basic element of trust in any relationship depends on hearing the truth from the other. Once someone has lied to us, it is very hard to have total faith in what they say in the future. Even though we may have decided to forgive and forget, nagging doubts may pop up from time to time.

Why do people lie? Generally, it is to avoid unpleasant consequences. Perhaps they have done something that they know would bring an angry response, or they want to do something that they know would create disapproval Lying seems to be the easy way out.

Where did this idea come from? Could it be that as a child they overheard an adult making a polite excuse to get out of a social engagement? Or perhaps a parent told the child to tell the person on the telephone that they weren’t home. Maybe Mom or Dad said the chocolates were all gone, and then the box mysteriously re-appeared a couple of days later.

Lying behavior is learned, and we need to openly acknowledge how much of it there is around us. How often do we say “yes” when we really feel “no”? How often do we keep silent when we really feel there is an injustice? And do we ever tell others what we think they want to hear, rather than what we really believe? Let’s face it, there are a lot of lies floating around out there.

So what do we do if we want truth in our relationships? The first, and most difficult thing, is to move out of our denial about any lying we might be doing. We can tell those with whom we want honest relationships, that we are moving into our truth, and invite them to do the same. If we want to do this in safety, we must agree that we will receive truth gently, even if we do not like what we are hearing. A punishing response will not encourage truth. Others must be able to trust us with their truth.

If you cannot be truthful in a relationship, then it is not a relationship in a meaningful sense, but rather a kind of charade. You are showing your partner an abridged version of who you are. If you are lying, what are you hiding, and why? In adults, lying is copping out on being a mature adult and being responsible for your actions.

Whether you are the one lying, or being lied to, you must ask yourself if lying, or putting up with lying, is worth the energy it takes. Loving honesty builds trust and can be very energizing, even when difficult. So, it may be time to begin gently speaking your truth and inviting others to do the same. It is more effective, by far, than standing and waiting, just around the corner, with a big stick.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Battling with Life’s Many Addictions

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We are hearing a lot about addictions these days. It used to be a word that applied to drug or alcohol dependency, but has now been expanded so that we hear of people being addicted to food, to love, to expectations, to clothes, money, exercise, and the list goes on. Some “addictions” are seen as positive, and others are seen as dysfunctional.

The problem with generalizing the usage of a word like this is that it can be very disempowering. Addiction implies a situation over which we have no conscious control. When we call a habit an addiction, we are saying that there is little we can do about it: we are controlled by the habit.

Let’s look at some concrete examples. Consider smoking, overeating or high cholesterol levels. These are all factors which influence health directly, and ultimately, lifespan. Many individuals, upon recognizing the threat to their wellbeing, make a decision to quit smoking, lose weight, or lower cholesterol levels. They then proceed either on their own, or with outside help, to follow through on this decision, and often the change is permanent.

For others though, changing unhealthy habits can be a lifelong struggle. They may say that they’ve tried, and just can’t seem to change. Perhaps they feel that their addiction is too strong, or that they just don’t have enough willpower. They may try for a while, quit smoking for a few months, lose 10 pounds, cut out some high cholesterol foods, but then gradually drift back into the old habits. This confirms for them that they don’t have enough willpower, and that the addiction is stronger than they are.

This kind of thinking, however, is a way of avoiding responsibility for one’s own health. And ultimately it may cover up the fact that the person does not really want to give up old habits. On a deeper level it may reflect anxiety and insecurity about life. One might prefer immediate short-term pleasure that is certain, over caring for oneself in ways that might contribute to a longer life, which may not be so certain.

Our life expectancy now is longer than ever before, so it makes sense to opt for vibrant good health. If this is the choice we make on a very deep, life affirming level, then ALL of our habits begin to shift in that direction. This is what empowers our will. So let’s change the way we understand willpower. You can have as much of it as you want when you stop saying “I can’t” and start saying “I will”. When you put all of your power behind your will, you can accomplish just about anything. And no short-term pleasure can match the long term rewards of feeling energetic and fit at any age.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration.

Reprimands: Unintended Consequences Can Damage Children

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By Gwen Randall-Young

Psychology for Living

When does reprimanding a child cross the line and become abuse? Probably when things are done or said that you wouldn’t want others to see. There are, of course, many variables, and discussing this issue is not meant to make parents feel like their hands are tied and they cannot discipline their children. 

We do not own our children, and they do have rights not only from a cultural/social standpoint, but also intrinsically, in their separateness from us. One day they will stand before us as adults, when we no longer have the power that size and position bestows and will look us in the eye. In these moments of truth, past decisions can, in retrospect, seem hauntingly inappropriate. The past cannot be changed. It is not only parents who must carry the burden of seeds unthinkingly planted, but anyone who works with children, including teachers, day care workers, coaches, babysitters and so on.

Unfortunately, our culture has not tended to value the consciousness of children to a high degree, but rather seeing them as mini humans with limited awareness. While adults may forget words spoken in anger or frustration, those same words may be etched indelibly on the mind of the child, continuing to distort the child’s feelings about self for years, decades or even a lifetime.

Many adults know all about this, because it happened to them. I have heard countless painful stories about people who were humiliated as children. A teacher, past the point of frustration, reprimands a child in front of the class. The other children burst out laughing. Perhaps the child cries then and there, or later at home. For everyone else the incident is over. For the child it is a painful wound which will haunt him or her again and again, diminishing the sense of self-worth a little more each time it is recalled. 

If children are subjected to blows to their self-esteem repeatedly, it should not be surprising when they grow into angry, rebellious, aggressive young adults. It is true that children can be very challenging, but just because what we are doing is not working, that is no excuse to vent our anger in an uncontrolled manner. If someone cuts us off in traffic, most of us would not proceed to catch up to the offender and do damage to his car. Yet often this is precisely what happens to children, they transgress, and then their self-esteem gets bashed. As adults, it is our responsibility to do whatever it takes to learn to do it differently.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

When Life Hurts

Sometimes life hurts. Sometimes its a dull ache, and sometimes it cuts like a knife. No matter how much positive thinking we do, no matter how many affirmations we say, no matter how “together” we are, sometimes things come along and the pain feels bigger than we are. 

There is such an emphasis now on the learning that comes in difficult times, that we often feel we should be able to “handle” whatever comes our way. This means we should ‘be strong’, ‘keep a stiff upper lip’, ‘go with the flow’ ‘keep it in perspective’, and all the other cliches that urge us to deny our feelings. But feelings serve a purpose. 

When the body suffers a cut, a little bleeding is good because it cleanses the wound. When the emotional body is wounded, feelings also serve a cleansing function. Emotion that is stuffed down or suppressed creates tension in the body, so it is healthier to release it.

This does not mean venting it on others, but simply allowing yourself to feel the emotion. If you feel like crying, then have a good cry. If you are angry, go for a run, bang some balls around the racquet court, or even write a nasty letter that you won’t send. Let the emotion move through you, and then think about your course of action, if action is required. Often discussing your feelings with a trusted friend helps to release some of the power behind the strong emotion. And if the emotion seems overwhelming, reach out for support.

Some of the deepest healing occurs when we realize that we are not alone in this world. We are only alone if we isolate ourselves. Often too, it is only in our deep pain that we truly experience our humanness and allow others to touch our soul. Souls want to be touched, and sometimes deep pain is the only way to penetrate the shell of superficiality that surrounds the deepest parts of our being.

We must honor our pain, the same as we honor our joy, for both are expressions of who we are. Of course, we want to get past it, and we do have to move on, or we’d emotionally bleed to death. But the way past pain is through it. If it becomes overwhelming however, you don’t have to go through it alone. The pain just might be a signal that it is time to connect more deeply with another human soul, whose arm may already be outstretched in anticipation of your reaching out. We need each other. That’s why we’re all here. 

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Empowerment

by Gwen Randall-Young
Psychology for Living

We often hear of terms like ‘personal power’ or ’empowerment’. What does this really mean? Some think that being empowered requires money, position or intelligence. While these might help in some situations, they are not necessary requirements.

We have all known two year olds who have an incredible amount of personal power. They know how to take a stand. What can we learn from them? Well, the first criterion they demonstrate is a clear knowing of what they want, and what they don’t want. If we are not sure what we really want, it’s hard to be assertive.

Next, they have a belief that they can have things their way. They are not always correct about this, but holding this belief sets the stage for putting some effort into the matter. They have a willingness to speak up for what they believe in or what they want. If they feel they are not being heard, they are not embarrassed to speak a little louder, or to make a bit of a fuss. They are persistent. They will not back off the first time their wishes are not honored. They are not afraid that others will be annoyed if they express themselves. And if they are being hurt, they will scream at the top of their lungs.

This is not to suggest that empowerment means acting like an infant. Throwing tantrums is not a demonstration of personal power. The empowered individual takes the time to determine what he or she truly wants. This means separating your own wants and needs from externally imposed ‘shoulds’.

You must believe in your heart that you have value, and that you have a right to work towards meeting your needs. You must also develop the courage to speak up for yourself, and/or the self-control to express yourself calmly. You don’t give up all attempts because it didn’t work out the first time you tried. You may have to come back again and again, from different angles.

You may need the assistance of an objective, professional third party. This might be your minister, doctor, teacher, or therapist. If the feedback you get is that your wishes are reasonable, then that individual may assist you in getting your point across.

Some people believe that they best way to live is to be always co-operative and accommodating. These are positive living skills to be sure, but if they are utilized continually, in a process of denying your true self, they will turn you into a chameleon. If you please everyone but yourself, they will all be happy, and you will be sad and unfulfilled. This is not the way to live life.

Your life is your gift, to be lived according to your inner spirit. Listen to your inner two year old, whenever, from deep inside your own being, you hear that definitive “NO!” You can translate that impulse and emotion so that you come across as a composed adult, but you do not have to live ‘yes’ when your heart says ‘no.’

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Helping children become more considerate of the adults in their lives

by Gwen Randall-Young
Psychology for Living

I have long been an advocate for kids of all ages. Adults tend to think they know best, and sometimes they do. We do not know best about some things, for example, how our children feel. I work with many young people and they teach me much about how they think and feel. I am happy to help adults to be more considerate of children.

Once in a while though, I have to step back and remember to remind children to be considerate of the adults in their lives. So kids, here goes. If an adult treats you with utter and complete disrespect, or is abusive, it is very hard to be considerate of them. You can only try to maintain your own integrity in dealing with them. If you find their behavior demeaning and violating, vow to never be like that. Such behavior is unacceptable.

However, most of you who read this will be dealing with adults who would be considered by the rest of the world to be acceptable. Therefore, they deserve respect. What does this mean? It means that you should recognize that they chose to have you in their lives. Every parent who consciously chooses to have a child does so because they intend to love that child, and to be a good parent. Some do not know how, or had poor parenting models themselves. Most of your parents want a good relationship with you. You can facilitate this process if you accept the following guidelines.

As the ones who provide for your basic needs, your parents have the final say in most things. Parents should not be yelled at, sworn at, or be the target of your aggression. They should not be expected to do things for you that you could do yourself. You should help out in ways that are appropriate for your age.

At five or six you should be able to make your bed, set the table, and help with washing up. Then from eight to ten you should manage other cleaning tasks, such as vacuuming, dusting, taking out garbage. After the age of ten you should be able to clean bathrooms and kitchen, do laundry, and help with meal preparation. By the age of sixteen, you should be able to handle any household task, including buying groceries and cooking meals.

Each family must work out a system that works for them. I do not believe that children should be doing all the work, but nor do I think that parents should either. Children must have time for homework, lessons, sports and play. Most helping tasks could be accomplished in a half hour per day, during the week, and perhaps an hour on weekends. If you are inefficient, it will take longer.

If, in families, we adopt the idea that we are here to help each other, and give willingly, things go very smoothly. Not liking chores is not reason not to do them. Making parents nag and hassle you before you will do things only creates tension in the home. Doing jobs poorly damages trust.

If you want to test my theory, try for one week to do what you are asked, or even to do things before you are asked. Let your parents know that you appreciate them. If you really want to create miracles, ask them if there’s anything you can do for them. And don’t forget the hugs.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration.

Mind reading

by Gwen Randall-Young
Psychology for living

If any of us truly could read minds we would likely be sitting on a beach somewhere with nothing to do but manage our investments. Somehow though, we often feel certainty about what is in the mind of a partner, boss, or offspring. Just listen, over the next few days, and see if you can detect a closet mind reader in your midst.  

They usually start like this, “You think that…”.   

A variety of endings might be:  

1) just because I’m home all day, I don’t do anything but watch the soaps,  

2) our bank account is a bottomless pit,  

3) you will magically get good marks without opening a book,  

4) it’s easy to get up every day and go to the office,  

5) you’re the only one who has stress,  

5) all teenagers do is drink and do drugs.  

Mind readers are so confident of their abilities, that even if the listener corrects them, and says “actually, that’s not what I think,” the mind reader often says, “Oh yes you do!”  It is hard to convince a mind reader that they have a comprehension problem. Nor can you have a meaningful conversation with one. You spend all your time arguing about who is right about what is in your mind.  

In reality, the mind reader imagines what another’s intentions might be and then projects it onto the other, upgrading it to the level of fact. This process is incredibly damaging to communication, and to relationships. It is actually a subtle form of bullying. It is invasive and controlling.  

The path of integrity is to say, “Sometimes I imagine you think that………. Then, follow that up with, “Am I correct, or am I reading something into your intentions that is not there?”  If the person confirms you are right, then you can proceed and discuss how you feel about that. If they say you are wrong, humbly accept your mistake. You might even apologize for misreading them. Then, ask for what you need, without criticizing or judging the other. You have a much better chance of getting your needs met this way.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration.