Gwen Randall-Young

Psychology for living

There is a practice that has the power to sabotage communication and relationships. We all do it or have done it. It is so prevalent in the way we think about others that we are scarcely aware we are violating others when we do it. It is like a computer virus that has the potential to disable all of our programs.

 What could it be? It is when we make assumptions about what others are thinking. How often sentences begin with, “you think”, “she thinks”, “they think”, or even, “everyone thinks”. It is not an assumption when you report directly and accurately what another has said. Telling someone your preschooler thinks there are monsters under the bed may be a statement of fact, if that is what she told you. However, to say that your teenager thinks everyone should pick up after him, because he never puts anything away, is an assumption, unless he actually made that statement.

 Statements such as, “You think you can just walk all over me”, “You think the world revolves around you”, or “You just don’t care”, are actually very invasive, hostile and judgmental. It is hard for the recipient of such messages to respond in any reasonable way. Denial of the allegation generally invites further judgments, as the speaker tries to prove his or her assumption is accurate. Saying, for example, that he does care, may cause the speaker to cite a litany of examples “proving” that he does not. Unable to respond reasonably, the one attached may resort to tossing out a few assumptions of his own, reacting angrily, or simply walking away. Of course this “proves” to the initiator that she was right all along.

 Right? Wrong! This is what we call crazy-making. It distorts the communication process and takes on a life of its own. We must let others speak for themselves. We honor them when we take the time to ask what their thoughts and feelings are. We must accept what they say as their truth. There is simply no point in arguing with someone about what they think, because we cannot get into their heads. If there is any doubt in your mind about how this affects others, just try to remember a time when someone either told you what you thought, or otherwise insisted he knew more about what is in your head than you do. It is to communication what a red flag is to a bull.

Do you have an inner critic that works overtime? An inner critic is that little voice in your head that tells you that you have not accomplished enough, are not good enough, and will never be all that you want to be.

It may tell you that you are too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too poor, too materialistic, and the list goes on. An inner critic can be like a radio or television left on that is always going in the background. Sometimes this critical voice has been there for so long, that you have come to believe its negative propaganda.

As we reach adulthood, the inner critic can grow into the saboteur. Not only are we down on ourselves, but we have such little belief in ourselves that we will not even try the things that might give us a better sense of ourselves. Trying to move forward with an inner critic in the background is like trying to run in quicksand. Not only does one not get anywhere, but we find ourselves being mired deeper and deeper in our own negative view of ourselves.

Ironically, the critic can be just as dominant in highly successful people as in those who have achieved little success. Clearly, it does not have much to do with reality. Many highly successful individuals suffer from the “impostor syndrome”. Despite having proven themselves many times over, they fear that one day everyone will see that they really know nothing. They may not maximize their potential, for fear that the next upward step will reveal to all the world that they have been “faking” it all along.

Clearly, that critical inner voice can wreak havoc with our lives, both personally and in our work life. If it continues to spin out of control, an individual may begin to suffer from depression and/or anxiety.

What can we do about this? Think of the critical voice as an old program that is running, and that no longer serves you. With a computer, if you want to stop a program from running, you can disable it. This is what we have to do in our own minds. It is not quite as easy as with a computer, but it can be done. We must first maintain an awareness of when the critical voice is speaking, and then refuse to listen. Imagine just turning it off. Each time it starts, turn it off. In time, you will find it becomes weaker.

At the same time, you can begin to empower a positive voice. Give yourself encouraging messages. Be an enthusiastic coach to yourself. After years of emotional battering, your spirit will welcome the change.

Remember when you thought 30 was old? If you still do, you’re under 20 no doubt. Funny how, as the years pass, the portion of life we think of as middle age slides slowly upwards. Remember when we thought the phrase “Life begins at 40” was a way that older people consoled themselves – and then maybe you discovered that it really does begin then? 

How do we cope with the realization, when it fi­nally hits, that life is an irreversible process, and one that keeps moving on? Well, this can be scary for some. There are fears about loss of physical health and strength, intellec­tual capabilities, and change in physical appearance. 

Certainly aging affects us all, but how it affects us is determined, to a large extent, by our attitude to­wards it. If we think of all the changes as losses, then aging can become an extended grieving process with little to look forward to. If, instead, we see our lives as becoming richer with each passing year, then we can carry a sense of contentment in our hearts. But what if there are stresses and difficulties that cause us pain? How can we see life as full and rich? 

What comes to mind is the young child who can­not eat any more dinner but still has room for dessert. This is deftly explained by the fact that “the dinner part is full, but the dessert part is empty.” Maybe at times when we feel that our lives may be lacking something we need and to think of life as having lots of little compartments. Perhaps the pain parts are pretty full, however, there may also be a part that is full of joy about grandchildren. Maybe the health part is low but there is a full, loving rela­tionship. 

You can create as many compartments as you like, and see which ones you want to attend to. Per­haps it is more time with friends or pursuing a new interest. Maybe it is more reading or exercise, or spending more time enjoying life with an intimate partner. It might even be repairing estranged rela­tionships. 

Certainly, as years go by, one comes to appreciate the value of life and how swiftly time passes. And the sooner we realize that we create the quality of our lives, the sooner the quality is enhanced. We all know individuals in their forties, fifties and even eighties who seem virtually unaffected by ag­ing. They have the same enthusiasm and excite­ment about life as always. These people know the secret of life. So do young children. It is that life only happens in the present.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for inspiration. 

By Gwen Randall-Young – Psychology for living

Do you procrastinate? Interestingly, it may seem like we procrastinate when we really do not want to undertake a particular task. Actually, this is not exactly true. If we truly, absolutely did not want to do something, we likely would not do it at all, nor would we worry about it!

Procrastination occurs when there is something we feel should be done, or that a part of us really wants to do, but another part is resisting. Perhaps there is an important project at work. You want to get it done because you want to keep your job. Another part may be resisting because it is afraid you cannot do the project well enough.

You may want to take the children shopping for school clothes, but another part may resist because it knows what that will do to the family budget. You may be very attracted to someone and want to ask for a date, while another part may resist out of fear of rejection.

Procrastination creates anxiety, as the two opposing parts stage an emotional tug-of-war. The best way to reduce this anxiety is to make a plan to take some action. If you know that you ultimately must complete the task, or want to ask someone out or take a course, then see what it feels like to make a plan. If you plan to spend a few hours on the project tomorrow, set a time to go shopping, make that phone call, or send for a course catalogue, you will likely experience a lightening in your energy. This is because when you procrastinate, you are blocking energy. Something is wanting or needing to happen, and it’s like you are standing against an overstuffed closet door to keep it closed, when pressure from inside is pushing it open.

Once you let some of that energy move, you do not have to keep holding it back. Imagine the energy tied up when we procrastinate in several areas of life. I have developed a habit which works quite well for me. As soon as I suspect I may be procrastinating about something, I make it a top priority. If I can, I will take action immediately. This always feels so good, and since I feel like I’m on a roll, I may tackle two or three other things while I’m at it. Then I can do the things I truly want – and enjoy them- without the lingering feeling I should be doing something else.

Try this the next time you hear yourself telling someone what you should be doing. If you should be doing it, then do it! It will feel so much better than talking about it. Trust me. Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for inspiration.

Gwen Randall-Young – Psychology for living

If you have a child just going into junior or senior high school, you may have some concerns about the effects of peer pressure. There is no question that children begin, as they grow older, to identify with their peers, and that can become a stronger influence than family. However, not all peer pressure is negative.

Feeling as though you are part of a group creates a greater sense of security and confidence, especially when you go into a larger school, where there are many people that you don’t know. Most parents accept that their children might want to dress differently than before and may no longer want to share every detail of their lives.

What they fear, though, is that their children may be influenced to use alcohol or drugs, to skip classes or otherwise violate the rules of home, school or society. This is a realistic fear given the climate in which we are living, and the freedom that some young people seem to have in their lives. It becomes very important then, to communicate early on with your children, about the boundaries that exist in your family.

Long before they are going out in the evening with friends, you can begin to talk about what it will be like when they are teenagers. Begin to prepare them for the fact that they will want a little more freedom, and you realize that over the years that is something that you will be willing to work out with them. But if you are not prepared to allow them to go out on school nights, let them know early on that this is a non-negotiable item. If you are not comfortable with dating before the age of, say, sixteen, let them know that when they are twelve. It’s a lot easier to accept and get used to rules when they don’t yet apply to you, than it is to assume certain freedoms, and to be shocked by your parent’s “unreasonableness”. 

Talk about how you would feel, and what you would do if your child began to exhibit unacceptable behavior. Let them know this ahead of time, so that they can take the consequences into account when they are contemplating their actions. It’s really all right to say that you will not support them in getting a learner’s permit if other aspects of their behavior are irresponsible. 

Growing up is a two-way street, a delicate balance between freedom and responsibility. The important thing is to discuss these issues with your teens in an open and respectful way, rather than laying out the rules as dictates. If you can co-create an agreement with them, they are much more likely to abide by it. Let them know too, that as they demonstrate responsibility, you will grow to trust them, and to gradually grant more freedom. This way they have something to work towards, and can learn to work with the system to fulfill their needs. Then there’s no need to drop out, and they can have the best of both worlds: theirs and ours.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Sometimes we respond to situations in ways that others consider overreactive. We may have very strong feelings that we need to express, only to feel hurt and negated when someone says it’s no big deal or tells us to chill out. If a reaction is indeed out of proportion to the situation, it means that something else is bothering us, or that old emotions are being triggered.

If a woman gets angry at her partner and accuses him of being controlling, it may be that she was controlled by her Father (or Mother) and she’s had enough. As a child she could do nothing about it, but as an adult she will not put up with it. A man may feel that his partner is never satisfied. No matter what he does, it is just not good enough. This may upset him deeply if he spent his childhood trying to be “good enough” for his parents, but never succeeded. If one feels that his or her partner has little time to give to the relationship, this may trigger feelings of neglect and abandonment from earlier years. If one was constantly criticized by parents or siblings, there may be difficulty hearing honest feedback from friends or employers.

While we should not have to take the brunt of someone’s unresolved feelings, we can try to bring some compassion to the situation. No one can change the past, but simply feeling understood and supported can go a long way towards healing it. Really listening to the reasons why someone is so upset can allow them to release old hurt. In order to do this, we have to set our egos aside temporarily.

Generally, showing that we care will defuse another’s hurt or anger. Validating their feelings makes things even better. Then you are both in a more positive position to discuss the contentious issue. Mocking someone, and accusing them of being just like their parent, or of acting out childhood issues is one of the worst things you can do. That would be like abruptly awakening a sleepwalker. If the person is not conscious of the connection with deeper emotional issues, such comments could escalate their emotional reaction dramatically.

In close relationships, you have the power to profoundly assist in healing, but also the power to hurt the individual even more. That is why it is so important to be aware of our own unhealed parts, and those of others. Some will take the stance that they have dealt with their past, and it is no longer an issue in the current relationship. Unfortunately, past hurt is like radioactive waste, and does tend to seep up into our lives no matter how well we think we have stowed it. It also tends to operate through the unconscious parts of our being, and so we may truly be unaware that it is still affecting us.

Strong emotional reactions to current life situations are often a clue that there is something coming to the surface so it can be healed. It’s best to tend to that healing before it contaminates our present, and leaks into our future. Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Do you suffer in silence? Many people do, I am always saddened when I hear that someone has been dealing with a problem and felt that there was no one they could talk to. This happens more often than you might expect.

There are several reasons for this, it might be that there is no one who we feel comfortably close to when it comes to sharing our fears and difficulties. Sometimes there is the feeling that we don’t want to burden others with our problems. If we could get past these two barriers, there is still the tendency, in our society, to project that all is well, even if it’s not. We do such a good job of this, that when someone is struggling in some aspect of their lives, they feel as though they are the only one with this problem.

We become alienated from ourselves if we are feeling angry, hurt, or depressed inside, while projecting the opposite feelings to those around us. Feelings remain blocked or suppressed inside, and this energy must come out in some way. It may manifest as anger or hostility towards others (taking it out on the children, partner, or co-workers) or as health problems (headaches, ulcers, stress, and tension).

Talking it out can be very healing, but it is important to do this with the right person. It must be someone whom you can trust to keep what you share confidential It’s best if the person is a good listener who withholds judgement and advice giving. Often as we talk through our difficulties, we find that our own solutions emerge spontaneously.

If you have friends or family members to whom you feel close, but have never really shared deeply, you may find that if you do, the relationship becomes even closer. Chances are that this person will open up in response to your sharing. You may find that you are both relieved to have someone you can really talk to. The floodgates may open, with things coming out that you have held inside for years.

If you share with the intention to understand more deeply, and to create positive outcomes in your life, this kind of sharing can be tremendously healing. If the sharing becomes simply dumping on others who are not present, then you are in a negative process which will ultimately only make things worse.

We all have the ability to support others in positive ways. Right now just about everyone has some struggle in their lives. Perhaps if we stop hiding our pain, we could really be there for each other. Ultimately, that’s what life is all about anyway, so we might as well get on with it.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

Many people are victims of emotional blackmail and do not even realize it. Emotional blackmail is when others try to hold us responsible for how they will feel if we do not do what they want. “Sure, go out with your friends and leave me here all alone with nothing to do.” “You want to go back to work and become one of those career women who doesn’t care about her husband or children anymore?” “If you really love me, you’ll know what to do.”

People who use emotional blackmail are those who wish to control others to ensure their own happiness. People who are susceptible to this blackmail are those who care about others, and do not want to appear selfish or thoughtless. They are also individuals who are sensitive to criticism. They end up very stressed and anxious because of the ongoing internal battle between what they want for themselves, and what others want of them. Unfortunately, the emotional blackmailers have attached themselves in a codependent way to their victim. They have unmet needs that they expect their victim to fill. Perhaps they need to feel important: the center of someone’s universe. Maybe their self-image is tied up in another’s response to them.

If one’s image of a good mother demands that her children honor her in a certain fashion on Mother’s Day, she may lay a guilt trip if they only send a card. If a man’s image of a good husband and provider means that his wife will be content in a supporting role rather than pursuing her own interests, he may use a variety of tactics to make her feel bad when she starts developing outside interests. If a girlfriend’s insecurity demands that her boyfriend only have interest in her, she may feel threatened when he wants to spend time with friends. A mother who believes her worth is measured by how much her daughter confides in her, will act hurt and abandoned when the daughter stops telling her everything.

Emotional blackmailers need to learn to stop controlling others through guilt, and to accept them as they are. They need to realize that no one is obliged to fill their emotional needs. Those who are victims need to begin setting boundaries, explaining that they must live their own lives free of the constant evaluation by another. They will show their love, support, or friendship in their own ways, not according to the rules of another. Trying to set clear boundaries with an emotional blackmailer is challenging, for they will up the ransom. However, once they realize that the blackmail will not work, they may voluntarily surrender to a healthier way of relating.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

The greatest source of unhappiness is the gap between what we have, and what we wish we had. When there is no gap, we are content. We feel a sense of abundance because we have all we need. Recognizing this, the search for happiness may involve a never-ending process of attempting to fulfil needs.

The problem is, there is no end to the needs that may be identified by the mind. We need more money, more things, more love, more peace, more time. We need more respect, more self-esteem, and more confidence. That list is endless.

Then, we can go on with a list of what we need others to have or be. So in order to be happy, our partner must be more dedicated, more attentive, more passionate for example, or our children must be more responsible, have higher marks, clearer goals, better friends and a different attitude. Our friends should be there for us more/ give us our space, talk about others to us, but not about us to others, and should be more/less spiritual.

Then there are the people in the neighborhood who should be more friendly, less nosy, mow the lawn more (except not on Sunday morning), lend their tools or return your tools more readily.

Don’t forget the merchants with whom you do business. They should have more efficient service, lower prices, more selection and stay open longer (or stay closed on Sunday).

What about the government? Certainly we would all be happier if we had lower taxes, more services, more growth, less inflation, and fewer politics.

But then there is still the weather. If we had longer summers, milder winters, no rain on long weekends, and just enough snow for skiing and white Christmas but not for bad driving and shoveling, then it would be good.

It is easy to see how working on being happy could be a full time job!

There is an easier way. A wise Buddhist teacher once said something like this: the smaller the vessel of your needs, the more easily you experience abundance. We do not have to make our happiness dependent upon anything. If we are grateful for each new day, we will be happy every day we are alive. If we tend the inner garden of our own awareness, and weed out the negative thoughts, and the conditions we place upon our ability to be happy, then we find peace.

If we ceased to exist tomorrow, how many of our concerns would really matter? One day we will not exist. What will happen to our ‘problems’ then? If they won’t matter then, they probably do not matter that much now either. What does matter is that each day is a gift. It is given like a gift certificate, which we may spend however we choose. It is, however, only valid for this day. Spend it wisely, spend it well. Use it for some joy.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration. 

by Gwen Randall-Young
Psychology for Living

We often hear of terms like ‘personal power’ or ’empowerment’. What does this really mean? Some think that being empowered requires money, position or intelligence. While these might help in some situations, they are not necessary requirements.

We have all known two year olds who have an incredible amount of personal power. They know how to take a stand. What can we learn from them? Well, the first criterion they demonstrate is a clear knowing of what they want, and what they don’t want. If we are not sure what we really want, it’s hard to be assertive.

Next, they have a belief that they can have things their way. They are not always correct about this, but holding this belief sets the stage for putting some effort into the matter. They have a willingness to speak up for what they believe in or what they want. If they feel they are not being heard, they are not embarrassed to speak a little louder, or to make a bit of a fuss. They are persistent. They will not back off the first time their wishes are not honored. They are not afraid that others will be annoyed if they express themselves. And if they are being hurt, they will scream at the top of their lungs.

This is not to suggest that empowerment means acting like an infant. Throwing tantrums is not a demonstration of personal power. The empowered individual takes the time to determine what he or she truly wants. This means separating your own wants and needs from externally imposed ‘shoulds’.

You must believe in your heart that you have value, and that you have a right to work towards meeting your needs. You must also develop the courage to speak up for yourself, and/or the self-control to express yourself calmly. You don’t give up all attempts because it didn’t work out the first time you tried. You may have to come back again and again, from different angles.

You may need the assistance of an objective, professional third party. This might be your minister, doctor, teacher, or therapist. If the feedback you get is that your wishes are reasonable, then that individual may assist you in getting your point across.

Some people believe that they best way to live is to be always co-operative and accommodating. These are positive living skills to be sure, but if they are utilized continually, in a process of denying your true self, they will turn you into a chameleon. If you please everyone but yourself, they will all be happy, and you will be sad and unfulfilled. This is not the way to live life.

Your life is your gift, to be lived according to your inner spirit. Listen to your inner two year old, whenever, from deep inside your own being, you hear that definitive “NO!” You can translate that impulse and emotion so that you come across as a composed adult, but you do not have to live ‘yes’ when your heart says ‘no.’

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration.