There was a time when it was common for young people to leave home once they turned eighteen. By the time children left home, parents were still in their early forties. The age of parenthood has increased over time, so now parents may be much older before their children go out on their own.
Increasingly, young adults are still living at home longer than in the past. This creates some dilemmas both for the parents and the adult child. Often boundaries become muddled, because there is still a parent-child relationship, only now all are adults.
Every situation is different; however, some general guidelines always apply. Although this may be tough to swallow, when you are living in your parent’s home, your “adult” status in the outside world does not supersede your “child” status at home. Just because you are over eighteen does not give you special rights to break house rules.
What this means is that it is your parents’ house, and they can make the rules. If you want to make the rules, you must get your own house! What you cannot do is to argue with them about how they want things to be in their own home, any more than you would want them to make rules once you live on your own.
Even if you are paying rent, it is likely less than you would pay to rent your own place, so your parents are, in effect, subsidizing you. The fact that you pay rent does not mean they cannot set the rules.
Renting from parents is not the same as renting from a landlord. If you want the freedom to live as you like, it is time to become and independent adult. As long as you live in your parents’ home, you are a still a dependent. A landlord would not feed you, pay for your utilities or let you borrow their car. Your furniture, Wi-Fi, and home insurance would not be covered by your landlord.
So, if parents want you in by a certain time so you are not waking them with your coming and going, you need to honor that. If they expect you to do certain chores, you need to contribute in that way as well. In fact, you should offer to help. If you are working full time, it would be nice to contribute something to the grocery budget. You should also make some of the meals.
Remember too, now that you are an adult your parents should be free of parent-child conflicts. They have undoubtedly worked hard all their lives and deserve to enjoy this time. I have seen too many adults, who, in their later life are consistently stressed by an adult child living at home. If they have generously allowed you to stay on, be thankful, and strive to make their lives easier, not harder.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for inspiration.
