
Occasionally I work with couples who dearly want to have children but are having difficulty conceiving. I hesitate to use the word ‘infertility’ because it sounds so definitive and final. In fact, many who have been labeled infertile have ended up conceiving at a time when there were no extraordinary measures taken to conceive. It just happens.
Nonetheless, difficulty conceiving is one of the most emotionally trying experiences a couple can face. It is a very personal issue and can be compounded by well-meaning friends and family members. If a couple wants to talk about starting a family, they will. If they are not bringing up the topic, it is best left alone. Some couples choose not to have children and should not have to justify or explain this choice to anyone. Often, once couples have been married several years, they begin being bombarded with questions about plans for a family. While such questions seem innocent enough, they can be emotionally loaded for the couple.
For those who are trying, being questioned puts them on the spot. If they have been trying for a long time, it just reminds them of the pain of their disappointment. Once a couple decides to start a family, they get excited and think it will happen right away. If not the first month, then it will happen the second month. If not the second, then, for sure the third. With each month that passes, frustration and anxiety begin to build. They may fear it will never happen. They start questioning themselves, and their capability to produce a child. After a year or more of trying, it becomes a huge issue.
It can be difficult, especially for women, to hear that a friend is pregnant. It can be emotionally unbearable to attend a baby shower. It can be heart wrenching just seeing a baby in a television commercial. Most women carry this suffering very privately, perhaps not even confiding in close friends. Consequently, even a casual question can result in more emotional agony once she is by herself.
Since we cannot know what is happening behind the scenes, it is one of those topics that might be best to avoid. We do not want to inadvertently trigger more heartache.
The best course is to take your cue from her: if she brings up the subject of children, then it is okay to talk about it. If she does not, perhaps there is a reason.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, audio recordings or to read other articles visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for inspiration.