Psychology for Living
It has been said that, in love relationships, we are seeking to duplicate the unconditional and total love we felt from our mothers in our earliest weeks and months. In a situation where mother and baby are healthy, and there has been appropriate bonding, the mother is extremely attentive to the baby’s every need. She learns to anticipate what her baby will be needing next, so that she is ready and the baby does not need to experience much discomfort.
Perhaps we generalize from this time in our lives, and believe that if someone truly loves us, then they can anticipate our needs. Furthermore, our needs should take precedence over anything else. Anything less may leave us feeling shortchanged, and not loved quite “enough.” So begins the struggle to change our partner, trying to get him or her to behave in such a way that we recreate that feeling of being the most important person in another’s life. As the mother puts the baby ahead of herself, we may later feel second best, if our partner honors self, before us.
Remember though, the baby only gets such selfless care because of its utter helplessness. The idea is that the child gains greater independence, emotional as well as physical, as time goes on. It may be that falling in love reminds us, at some subconscious level, of our first love experience with the nurturing mother. Along with that memory comes the anticipation of rapid, if not instant, gratification of our needs. Even if our partner did this, then it would be creating a parent/child relationship. We could never achieve the joys that are available in a mature, adult love relationship.
When we crave that total selfless love of infancy, we doom ourselves to a lifetime of disappointment and unhappiness. The only solution is to allow ourselves to grow up, and to take full responsibility for our own security and value. We are the ones who need to unconditionally love and accept ourselves. We are the ones who need to take care of ourselves, providing protection from the sometimes rough edges of the world outside. We need to be able to stand up for ourselves and take ourselves out of harm’s way if necessary.
An infant has no choice but to leave his or her physical and emotional wellbeing in the hands of another. We do have a choice. Even if there was someone who would totally take care of us in adulthood, we would be more vulnerable than one who is alone, because our caregiver is gone.
We must first learn to take care of ourselves, physically and emotionally, before we can have a healthy, adult relationship. Then relationships can be about shared love, growth and companionship, rather than expectation, obligation and struggle.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for inspiration.
